Living Gratefully Requires Practice.

The last time I posted I went on a long Nouwen inspired rant about the months prior. The things that I spoke about have undoubtedly been put to the test recently with varying results.

Today was very difficult. It would’ve been my mother’s 57th birthday. Almost 7 months after the fact typing those words seems surreal. Its not a matter of not accepting the circumstance, its just that in those moments like that the totality of what has happened brushes against my senses in a way that is nothing short of chaotic.

I’ve caught glimpses of that feeling in particular instances by hearing old voicemails i thought were gone, seeing the chaplain that greeted my family in the hospital before we went to see her body at Starbucks months after the fact (and taking 10 minutes to figure out where i knew the guy from and subsequently freaking the hell out), and by catching a rerun of the episode of man vs. food that i was watching when my dad called and told me the news. Those things all hit me hard but nothing quite hit home like it did today when i was checking facebook on my phone on the way to work and reading the status I had written about it being her birthday. I read it and tears came to my eyes. They didn’t stop for quite some time. It felt like someone else had written it. In that moment the weight of everything i’ve experienced in this  season fell on my shoulders(death, not getting into school, my father’s struggles, breakup…i could go on.) and I fell apart for a bit.

That is okay.

In the midst of all of these things I’m reminded of what I’m learning. This time has been used to peel back so many layers of cynicism(if we’re being honest a cynic is just someone with a broken heart), doubt (in myself, others, and God), and bitterness. God has used this most horrendous environment to make my heart more tender and my character malleable for the first time in a long time. I’m reminded of what matters most. I’m entirely okay with that, in fact I fully endorse it. I don’t feel like this all time but when my mind is processing the way it should I’m thankful for the way He uses even the most painful  for good.

I’m learning how to suffer well when I feel that I’m surrounded by a culture and a people who do everything in their power to deny suffering, numb themselves, hide from it. I’ve been greeted by friends who embrace this and encourage me to avoid the path least resistance and run down one that sharpens me and magnifies the glory of God in me.

In the midst of this I’m dreaming in color again. My passions are augmented and I’m fighting for the things that matter most to me regardless of odds or potential cost or detriment. I’m not sure if i’ve ever felt so exposed in some avenues, but I feel fully invested in what I’m doing. So in that way I am living gratefully. Despite adversity life is wonderful. I guess I’m growing up.

I’m sorry if this seems abstract to you but it makes sense to me.

I leave you with this:

Two days ago I was cleaning out my desk and closet. I found a box that had a bunch of personal notes, cards, and letters from years past. A lot of those were birthday cards. I found the card from my 22nd birthday from my parents. My mom had written the sentimental note inside the card, she always did.

Here it is:

I had a moment when I read it. It made me think about what traits I’m cultivating as of late and the realization of the majority of the things I just wrote came to mind. My mother had her issues but above all her spirit was remarkably gentle. That and she loved her only son more than just about anything else. I can’t say enough about her and it reminded me of everything I value about her. Also, there was $100 in the card that I guess I’d somehow left sitting there for 3 years.  I feel like I should do something awesome with the money. Got any ideas?

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