This.

Yep.

I’m growing to love TED Talks. 

I watched this last night and as inspired to share it.

“Here’s the thing, if we have goals, and dreams, and we want to do our best. If we love people and we don’t want to hurt them or lose them.  Then we should feel pain when things go wrong. The point is not to live without any regrets. The point is not to hate ourselves for having them.  We need to learn to love the flawed, imperfect things that we create and to forgive ourselves for creating them. Regret doesn’t remind us that we did badly, it reminds us that we know we can do better.”

“We like the fantasy that our dreams will feel good all the time and it will feel natural because it is what’s deep down inside you and it’s going to flow out like a river and that’s just not true – a lot of times, it’s a coalmine and you just have to commit to going back and back and back and doing it and doing it and doing it and that gets hard. We are so quick to label something a failure and give up on it, where we don’t see how it is going to unfold. We don’t see how it’s going to last.”
-Jon Acuff

I feel like that quote is applicable in multiple facets of my life right now. So much that matters so much to me is entirely up in the air and I am FREAKING OUT.

I feel a lot like this:

What i’ve learned in the last year summed up in 3 paragraphs.

“…And I want you to see this, friends, the most painful parts of life are the most glorious opportunities to live out the kingdom ethics. And so for the Christian what can often happen is when we find ourselves in these circumstances, we can ask God, “Why am I being persecuted, why am I poor? Why am I hungry, why am I hurting, why am I suffering, why am I opposed, why am I struggling?” And the Father would say, “Blessed are you. That’s a blessing. I’m giving you an opportunity to experience a bit of what Jesus did. I’m giving you an opportunity to become a little more like Jesus is, and I’m giving you an opportunity to show others a little bit of who Jesus is.” It’s an opportunity.

Every situation really comes down to your view of God. If you believe God is a God of woe, and he’s always judging you, and he’s always angry at you, and he’s always cursing you, and he’s always consequenting you, then when tragedy, strife, grief, poverty, and pain come, you’re angry at God, you’re frustrated, you run from God, you’re depressed, you’re despairing. And if you believe Jesus’ words, “Blessed are you,” you rejoice in all circumstances, and you look for the opportunity to practice the kingdom ethic, and to become a better kingdom citizen.

So here’s the big idea: Jesus won’t make you rich, he won’t make you powerful, he won’t make you comfortable, he won’t make you famous, he won’t make everyone be nice to you, he won’t make all your troubles go away, and idolatry teaches that he will. You can use Jesus for fame, comfort, power, glory. You can use Jesus for health, and healing, and success, and prominence, and all it is is offering Jesus as the world’s greatest idol-giver, a means to an end. Or Jesus says, “Assume that your present circumstances are God’s blessing to you.” Assume that God is good. Assume that God is doing good. And some of you say, “But I have been abused.” That’s not your identity. Your identity is in Christ. You are loved by the Father. You’re a citizen of the kingdom, and if you get that, you can even bless those who abuse you. And if you don’t, you’ll become bitter, angry, hostile, selfish, self-righteous, judgmental, justified, woe are you, woe to you. See, Jesus is trying to save us from Satan, sin, death, and ourselves. Because when we are attacked by the world’s system and its ideology, the first inclination is to respond in a worldly way, rather than in a kingdom way.”

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/luke/the-beatitudes-part-1

My greatest need is not the absence of suffering but Your presence in its midst.
My greatest need is not the absence of suffering but Your presence in its midst.
My greatest need is not the absence of suffering but Your presence in its midst.
My greatest need is not the absence of suffering but Your presence in its midst.
My greatest need is not the absence of suffering but Your presence in its midst.
My greatest need is not the absence of suffering but Your presence in its midst.

 

When i forget, please remind me.

 

Living Gratefully Requires Practice.

The last time I posted I went on a long Nouwen inspired rant about the months prior. The things that I spoke about have undoubtedly been put to the test recently with varying results.

Today was very difficult. It would’ve been my mother’s 57th birthday. Almost 7 months after the fact typing those words seems surreal. Its not a matter of not accepting the circumstance, its just that in those moments like that the totality of what has happened brushes against my senses in a way that is nothing short of chaotic.

I’ve caught glimpses of that feeling in particular instances by hearing old voicemails i thought were gone, seeing the chaplain that greeted my family in the hospital before we went to see her body at Starbucks months after the fact (and taking 10 minutes to figure out where i knew the guy from and subsequently freaking the hell out), and by catching a rerun of the episode of man vs. food that i was watching when my dad called and told me the news. Those things all hit me hard but nothing quite hit home like it did today when i was checking facebook on my phone on the way to work and reading the status I had written about it being her birthday. I read it and tears came to my eyes. They didn’t stop for quite some time. It felt like someone else had written it. In that moment the weight of everything i’ve experienced in this  season fell on my shoulders(death, not getting into school, my father’s struggles, breakup…i could go on.) and I fell apart for a bit.

That is okay.

In the midst of all of these things I’m reminded of what I’m learning. This time has been used to peel back so many layers of cynicism(if we’re being honest a cynic is just someone with a broken heart), doubt (in myself, others, and God), and bitterness. God has used this most horrendous environment to make my heart more tender and my character malleable for the first time in a long time. I’m reminded of what matters most. I’m entirely okay with that, in fact I fully endorse it. I don’t feel like this all time but when my mind is processing the way it should I’m thankful for the way He uses even the most painful  for good.

I’m learning how to suffer well when I feel that I’m surrounded by a culture and a people who do everything in their power to deny suffering, numb themselves, hide from it. I’ve been greeted by friends who embrace this and encourage me to avoid the path least resistance and run down one that sharpens me and magnifies the glory of God in me.

In the midst of this I’m dreaming in color again. My passions are augmented and I’m fighting for the things that matter most to me regardless of odds or potential cost or detriment. I’m not sure if i’ve ever felt so exposed in some avenues, but I feel fully invested in what I’m doing. So in that way I am living gratefully. Despite adversity life is wonderful. I guess I’m growing up.

I’m sorry if this seems abstract to you but it makes sense to me.

I leave you with this:

Two days ago I was cleaning out my desk and closet. I found a box that had a bunch of personal notes, cards, and letters from years past. A lot of those were birthday cards. I found the card from my 22nd birthday from my parents. My mom had written the sentimental note inside the card, she always did.

Here it is:

I had a moment when I read it. It made me think about what traits I’m cultivating as of late and the realization of the majority of the things I just wrote came to mind. My mother had her issues but above all her spirit was remarkably gentle. That and she loved her only son more than just about anything else. I can’t say enough about her and it reminded me of everything I value about her. Also, there was $100 in the card that I guess I’d somehow left sitting there for 3 years.  I feel like I should do something awesome with the money. Got any ideas?

Hello, Long time no blog.

Realistically I’m just looking for a place to put the things that have been running through my mind out there for others to see. I’ve been reading a book on mourning and grief by Henri Nouwen that was published posthumously after a vigorous dig through his archives. I’m very glad that that happened because its teaching me many valuable lessons in very few pages. I’ve read through the first chapter 3 or 4 times this week and i’m soaking it up like a sponge.

Stream of consciousness notes/quotes/whatever/etc….go!

…The hardships we all endure require more than words, of course, even spiritual words. Eloquent phrases cannot soothe our deep pain. But we do find something to lead and guide us through. We hear an invitation to allow our mourning to become a place of healing, and our sadness a way through pain to dancing. Who is it Jesus said would be blessed? ‘Those who mourn’ (Matt 5:4). We learn to look fully into our losses, not evade them. By greeting life’s pains with something other than denial we may find something unexpected. By inviting God into our difficulties we ground life—-even its sad moments—-in joy and hope. When we stop grasping our lives we can finally be given more than we could ever grab for ourselves. And we learn the way to a deeper love for others.

How can we learn to live this way? Many of us are tempted to think that if we suffer, the only important thing to be relieved of is our pain. We want to flee it all costs. But when we learn to move through suffering, rather than avoid it, then we greet it differently. We become willing to let it teach us. We even being to see how God can use it for some larger end. Suffering becomes something other than a nuisance or curse to be evaded at all costs, but a way into deeper fulfillment. Ultimately mourning means facing what wounds us in the presence of One who can heal.

Do not nurse the illusion that we can hopscotch our way through difficulties. For by trying to hide parts of our story from God’s eye and our own consciousness, we become judges of our own past. We limit divine mercy to our human fears. Our efforts to disconnect ourselves from our own suffering end up disconnecting our suffering from God’s suffering for us. The way out of our loss and hurt is in and through. When Jesus said, ‘For I have come to call not the righteous but sinners’ (Matt 9:13)

Typically we see such hardship as an obstacle to what we think we should be–healthy, good-looking, free of discomfort. We consider suffering as annoying at best, meaningless at worst. We strive to get rid of our pains in whatever way we can. A part of us prefers the illusion that our losses are not real, that they come only as temporary interruptions. We thereby expend much energy in denial.

Several temptations feed this denial.

-busyness: it becomes a curse when while we think it provides us with relief. It only delays the inevitable.
-fronting
-facing our losses also means avoiding a temptation to see life as an exercise in having needs met.

We are needy people of course: We want attention, affection, influence, power. And our needs seem never to be satisfied. Even altruistic actions can get tangled with these needs. Then, when people or circumstances do not fulfill all of our needs, we withdraw or lash out. We nurse our wounded spirits. And we become even needier. We crave easy assurances, ignoring anything that would suggest another way.

We also like easy victories: growth without crisis, healing without pains, the resurrection without the cross. No wonder we enjoy watching parades and shouting out to returning heroes, miracle workers, and record breakers. No wonder our communities seem organized to keeps suffering at a distance. People are buried in ways that shroud death with euphemism and ornate furnishing. Institutions hide away the mentally ill and criminal offenders in a continuing denial that they belong to the human family. Even our daily customs lead us to cloak our feelings and speak politely through clenched teeth and prevent honest, healing confrontation. Friendships become superficial and temporary.

The way of Jesus looks very different. While Jesus brought great comfort and came with kind words and a healing touch, he did not come to take all of our pains away. He entered into Jerusalem in his last days on a donkey, like a clown at a parade. This was his way of reminding us that we fool ourselves when we insist on easy victories. When we think we can succeed in cloaking what ails us and our  times in pleasantness. Much that is worthwhile comes only through confrontation.

Patience comes from patior, “to suffer”. To learn patience is not to insist on continuing to cover our pains with easy Hosannas. If we do we run the risk of losing patience and becoming bitter and cynical or violent and aggressive when the shallowness of the easy way wears through. When all abandoned Him, Jesus Christ rose from the grave and became Savior. That is the patient way, slowly leading me from the easy triumph to the hard victory.

I am less likely to deny my suffering when I learn how God uses it to mold me and draw me closer to Him. I will be less likely to see my pains as interruptions to my plans and more able to see them as the means for God to make me ready to receive Him. I let Christ live near my hurts and distractions.

“I have always been complaining that my work was constantly interrupted; then I realized that the interruptions were my work.” The unpleasant things, the hard moments, the unexpected setbacks carry more potential than we usually realize.

At the center of our Christian faith we perceive a God who took on himself the burden of the entire world. Suffering invites us to place our hurts in larger hands. In Christ we see God suffering–for us. And calling us to share in God’s suffering love for a hurting world. The small and even overpowering pains of our lives are intimately connected with the greater pains of Christ. Our daily sorrows are anchored in a greater sorrow and therefore a larger hope. Absolutely nothing in our lives lies outside the realm of God’s judgment and mercy.

One of life’s great questions centers not on what happens to us, but rather, how we will live in and through whatever happens. We cannot change most circumstances in our lives. Our choice, then, revolves around not what has happened or will happen to us, but how we will relate to life’s turns and circumstances. Put another way: Will i relate to my life resentfully or gratefully?

The losses may be nonnegotiables. But we have a choice: How do we live these losses? We are called time and time again to discover God’s spirit at work within our lives, within us, amid even the darkest moments. We are invited to choose life. A key in understanding suffering has to do with our not rebelling at the inconveniences and pains life presents to us.

Mourning makes us poor; it powerfully reminds us of our smallness. But it is precisely here, in that pain or poverty or awkwardness, that the Dancer invites us to rise up and take the first steps. For in our suffering, not apart from it, Jesus enters our sadness, takes us by the hand, pulls us gently up to stand and invites us to dance. We find the way to pray, as the psalmist did, “You have turned my mourning into dancing” (Ps 30:11)

because at the center of our grief we find the grace of God.

We do not, then, attempt our movement from our little lives into God’s larger grace by simple resolve or lonely effort. When our needs lead us to grab desperately for a place, when our unhealed wounds determine  the atmosphere around us, we become anxious. But then we let our hurt remind us of our need for healing. Our glory is hidden in our pain, if we allow God to bring the gift of himself in our experience of it. If we turn to God, not rebelling against our hurt, we let God transform it into greater good. We let others join us and discover it with us.

Perhaps nothing helps us make the movement of our little selves to a larger world than remembering God in gratitude. Such a persepctive puts God in view of all of life, not just in the moments we set aside for worship or spiritual disciplines. Not just in the moments when life seems easy.

If God is found in our hard times, then all of life, no matter how apparently insignificant or difficult, can open us to His work among us.  To be grateful doesn’t mean repressing our remembered hurts. But as we come to God with our hurts–honestly, not superficially–something life changing can begin to slowly happen. We realize that any dance of celebration must weave both the sorrows and the blessings into every joyful step.

We tend to divide our past into good things to remember with gratitude and painful things to accept or forget. This way of thinking seems quiet natural, but it prevents us from allowing our whole past to be the source from which we live our future. It locks us into a self involved focus on our gain or comfort. It becomes a way to categorize, and in a way, control. Such an outlook becomes another attempt to avoid facing our suffering. Once we accept this division, we develop a mentality in which we hope to collect more good memories than bad, more things to be glad about than things to be resentful about, more things to celebrate than to complain about.

GRATITUDE IN ITS DEEPEST SENSE MEANS TO LIVE LIFE AS A GIFT TO BE RECEIVED THANKFULLY. AND TRUE GRATITUDE EMBRACES ALL OF LIFE: THE GOOD AND THE BAD, THE JOYFUL AND THE PAINFUL, THE HOLY AND THE NOT-SO-HOLY. WE DO THIS BECAUSE WE BECOME AWARE OF GOD’S LIFE, GOD’S PRESENCE IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THAT HAPPENS.

Is this possible in a society where joy and sorrow remain radically separated? Where comfort is something we not only expect, but are told to demand? Advertisements tell us that we cannot experience joy in the midst of sadness.

If mourning and dancing are part of the same movement of grace, we can be grateful for every moment we have lived. We can claim our unique journey as God’s way to mold our hearts to greater conformity to Christ. The cross, the primary symbol of our faith, invites us to see grace where there is pain; to see resurrection where there is death. The call to be grateful is a call to trust that every moment can be claimed as the way of the cross that leads to new life.

Living gratefully requires practice. The takes sustained effort to reclaim my whole past as the concrete way God has led me to this moment. For in doing so I must face not only today’s hurts, but the past’s experiences of rejection or abandonment or failure or fear. Pruning is painful. Grateful people learn to celebrate even amid life’s hard and harrowing memories because they know that pruning is no mere punishment, but preparation. When our gratitude for the past is only partial, our hope for the future can likewise never be full.

I am gradually learning that the call to gratitude asks us to say “Everything is grace”. As long as we remain resentful about things we wish had turned out differently, mistakes we wish we had not made, part of our heart remains isolated, unable to bear fruit in the new life ahead of us. It is a way we hold part of ourselves apart from God. Instead we can learn to see our remembered experience of our past as an opportunity for ongoing conversion of the heart. We let what we remember remind us of who we are–not our own, but God’s. If we are to be truly joyful at the prospect of God’s unfolding vocation for our lives, truly free to be sent wherever God guides, our entire past, gathered into the spaciousness of a converted heart, must become the sources of the energy that moves us onward.

When we celebrate we do not marshal degrees, prizes, promotions, or awards, but rather the gift of life that has revealed itself in the midst of all the losses.

…

No promises, but perhaps I’ll start using this thing again on a semi-regular basis.

Everythings moving, everything changes so fast.

Do you ever feel like life is moving so quickly that you can’t keep up?  It seems like its a common theme around these parts.  I feel like I have so much to say but I can’t quite move my tongue(i never spell tongue right, thanks spellchecker).  Over the course of the next few days I will attempt to sort out my mind well enough to write a fairly coherent blog that is could possibly be view as comprehensive in regards to whats going on in my mind.  Until then.

“I know its seems dramatic, but i treat it like a crisis”.

Life always seems to throw curve balls when you’re expecting a fastball.

As Tony has often said, Sometimes lifes a bitch and you can’t control her.

I’m almost positive that unless you’re someone random you’ve probably heard that 716B Henderson caught fire.  It started in the room i was pseudo living in/storing the majority of my stuff.  Consequently the fire started in the closet where I had a few bottles of liquor and $600 in tips.

I lost about $2000.  Forget what you heard and don’t feel sorry for me.  I’m ridiculously blessed.

Granted I got tired of telling the story, I could probably tell you it while sleeping, but I would’ve rather had people ask than not care.  On top of that Starbucks gave me $1000.  $400 of that coming from my amazing coworkers giving out of their pockets.  Kinda ridiculous(ly awesome).

I’m living in Irmo now with my 83 year old grandmother.  Thats a shift from living with 20-somethings for 4 years.  She cares about me a lot, and I’m privileged to have her and be with her.  Shes very strongwilled and doesn’t like to take no for an answer, but she has 60 years on me and a lot of wisdom to offer.  She gets mad at me if i don’t eat food before I leave the house and I’ve gained 5 pounds in ten days.  My goal is not to be morbidly obese by December.  But its the closest thing to a steady home I’ve had since I was a 5 or 6 and I’m very happy there.  My favorite moment with her so far was when I first arrived at 1am the night of the fire.  She offered to make me a white russian and scramble some eggs.  My grandma is cooler than yours.

Theres only two things i’m tired of regarding my circumstances.

1. Driving.  (Its 24 miles one way to work.  That is not kind to my wallet.)
2. The smell of burned wood…and the ash/smoke damage crap that comes along with it.

So i bought the same book twice for the first time in my life.  Thomas Merton continues to teach me, he won’t be stopped by flames.

Oh, and I got back into USC.  After filling out my application for readmission over a month late.  I’m kinda jacked.  Also, I moved an entire pine tree that fell in my parents backyard by myself today.  My dad hurt his back while chopping into pieces with a chainsaw.  It filled two trucks, and it was quite the workout.  My forearms look like I’m battling a problem with self-mutilation, but it was one of those moments where you think about what you’re doing and think about manly you are.

Well, I’m going to drive home to Irmo now.  My grandma cooked stuffed pork chops tonight and i’ve been stealing internet at The Shack because the people who I was stealing from at her house put a password on their router.  Thus the lack of blogage.

Til next time.

Discoveries of the week.

 

• Xbox 360s are going down in price starting tomorrow.  Considering I almost bought one used today that was quite wonderful to find out.  NCAA FOOTBALL 2009 COMES OUT TUESDAY.  prepareformetohavenolife.

• Bats aren’t really that intimidating when you have David around.
   
• I found the first worship album I’ve legitimately enjoyed in 5 or 6 years.  [http://www.myspace.com/thegloriousunseen]
  • I first heard the album about a year ago.  Wrote it off as the same old same old.  Came back to it this week.  The beauty of it is in its simplicity, its not entirely built on dynamics to make the music super emotional.  Its not overly happy like Tomlin or Crowder.  Its not arena-rockish like Hillsong.  Nor is it a blatant ripoff of either of those styles.  Considering i just described the majority of the stuff I hear in those previous four lines, its different.  Vocally its almost david bazanish, minus the depressing, psuedo-agnostic tendencies.  Refreshing.
     
• I’m reading No Man Is an Island by Thomas Merton.  Its pretty much dismantling me.  I’ve never highlighted a book so much and its never taken me so long to read 30 pages.  I’m having to go so slow because its filling my mind up so quickly and its taking so long to digest.  I still feel like i’m going too fast.  Theres so many oneliners…I should dedicate an entry solely to those.
   
• I’ve discovered that keeping hundreds of dollars of cash in my bedroom is not a wise choice [716B Henderson Street for all you potential burglars].  For the past couple months i’ve kept a giant jar of  tip money that has progressively grown larger in my bedroom closet next to my liquor.  I feel like i should have a shotgun in there to complete the trifecta of traditional southern staples/taboos.[My grandfather actually used to have a lock on his closet door that contained those things...but I digress.]  Point being that I’m attempting to become more disciplined financially and I want to open a savings account of some sort so that I’ll have extra cash if I ever need it for anything.  Any suggestions on where to put it?
   
• I found out that USC has a readmission process.  Point being that technically speaking if I wanted to get back into school I should’ve reapplied over a month ago.  However, that makes little sense to me.  I discovered this after picking out what classes I wanted, when I wanted them, and who I wanted to teach me.  Pretty much I’m willing to give USC approximately 5k,all the classes are open, I left the school in wonderful academic standing and for some reason they don’t want to?  [I talked to a friend who was in my store today, apparently her brother waited until two days before classes started to even fill out an application as a transfer student and they took him...so there is hope yet].
    

And thats all I have for now.  I feel like I had many more ideas to share, but thats it.

Oh, and this.